wanna go halves on a baby?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My liver just had a heart attack.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
