The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
