Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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