dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
