Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
