Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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