fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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