I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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