East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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