thus making me awesome and them whores
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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