I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
