he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
