in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
