apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
