Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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