just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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