the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
