the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
