Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
