look no pants
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
