well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize