so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
