jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize
