I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
