Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
