Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
