Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize