we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
