I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
