he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
