do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
