hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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