broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
