I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
either way he was missing a nipple.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
