So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
