my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize