im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
