I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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