Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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