life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
