So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
