my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
