HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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