I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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