I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
