you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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