you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
