Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
