I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
