Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
