you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
