If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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