White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
