I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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