Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
