filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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