Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize