she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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