Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
