Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize