I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
