Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
