i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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