i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
